Student diplomas withheld due to astronomical library fines

By Belle Eve Inmie

A number of senior students at Almost College have been placed on an academic hold, which has implications for their planned graduation.

The question involves unpaid fees that have accumulated throughout the four-year career of each individual student. The charges are a result of library late fees, as the students’ enjoyment in books such as “Harry Potter” and “Divergent” may lead to their utter downfall as Almost College graduates.

Of the seven students whose diplomas are currently withheld, the fees have reached a staggering $34.25, which comes out to a little more than $3 per student.

The college is in the process of reviewing each case to determine whether or not more serious punishment needs to be sought. A meeting was held with the Almost College Disciplinary Board shortly after the accusations were made. An anonymous college board member felt that the “irresponsible” students showed “poor character” and were not deserving of a highly touted Almost College diploma.

To the troubling report, Andrew Short (’14), one of the delinquents, responded, “It’s not fair. I worked as hard as any student in my time here. When I was informed of this news, I immediately broke down into tears.”

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Almost College changes slogan to “Plaid Twerks” after contract with performer Miley Cyrus

By Sandy Kicks

Almost College recently went through an entire rebranding process, spending months coming up with a new design.

What was once “Only One Almost” is now “Plaid Twerks.”

In a recent press release, a director of marketing said, “Almost College’s ‘Plaid Twerks’ brand platform takes a fresh approach to expressing the college’s brand identity.”

Almost administrators came up with the tagline after they signed a contract with hip-hop sensation Miley Cyrus.

“Twerking should be in every college student’s daily routine,” Cyrus said.

“Twerk” was recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary and can be defined as “a type of dancing involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance.”

The decision to work with Cyrus was strategic, as she was recently named the Twerking Queen of 2014. Almost admissions said that the contract with Cyrus will greatly benefit the college’s recruiting process.

“Cyrus is a great role model for every college student,” an Almost admissions rep said. “We hope that she can be known as the face of Almost College.”

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Prehaunted: New fraternity house to come with some very old ghosts

By Emma Nence

New building already believed to be haunted.

New building already believed to be haunted.

As construction on the new Tau Kappa Epsilon house reaches the final phase, reports have been documented by both security personnel and fraternity brothers of strange occurrences at the construction site.

Several students who live on South Campus and along sorority row have heard loud noises along with odd-shaped shadows during the night.

The TKE property is well known for its long and haunted past. The site of the new fraternity house is currently situated at the old location of the first TKE house. The original house became haunted after a death on the property. From there, the first ghost sightings and instances of hauntings were observed and recorded.

Ghostly outlines of a young man wandering the block have been reported by many students since the death and the fire that destroyed the original house. Tales of the ghost quickly became another campus legend to tell freshmen and new pledges of the fraternity. However, as the TKE location changed to a second residency, the ghostly hauntings ceased for a brief while, only to resume at the new location.

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Almost plans for Winter Olympics

By Otto Graffe

The Winter Olympics in Sochi are over. The athletes have gone home to their respective countries. But in here, people are looking to the future.

Almost College announced plans to build a state-of-the-art $50 billion indoor Winter Olympics facility in a bid to host the 2018 Games. The complex will be constructed on cornfields west of the college campus and will host every event and seat any crowd with room to spare.

Alma Development Fund spokesperson John Frozinski made the announcement at a special press conference last Thursday. He said the facility, tentatively named the Harold A. Winters Winter Olympic Community for Events and Sports, would be the first of its kind anywhere in the world.

“Never before have the entire Winter Olympics been able to take place indoors,” Frozinski said. “Almost College is leaping ahead of the competition in the bidding process with the Winters Community.”

The plans include indoor venues, hills, tracks, and arenas for alpine skiing, cross country skiing, ski jumping, freestyle skiing, biathlon, bobsleigh, luge, skeleton, curling, figure skating, speed skating, short track speed skating, ice hockey, Nordic combined, and snowboar, as well as a motorcycle racing track.

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Do you want to build an igloo?: New course offerings teach winter survival skills

By Char Lattin

Students will finally learn the skills they need to survive a Michigan winter.

Students will finally learn the skills they need to survive a Michigan winter.

After a deathly cold winter, Almost College is taking steps toward protecting students.

“When the hashtag #ProtectYourScotts starting circulating around Almost College’s Twitter community after the weather got almost too cold to walk to class, we knew that we had to make a change for next year,” President Jeff Abernathy explained.

For the 2015 winter term, Almost College will begin offering winter survival courses.

Among these classes are igloo building (BRR 302), ice fishing (BRR 201), and how to dress for cold weather (BRR 121).

The 300-level class, igloo building, is a more advanced winter survival course, taught by Tom Ealey from the business department. It will be offered to students with junior or senior standing and held on Tuesday and Thursday from 1-2:50 p.m., with labs from 1-5 p.m. on Monday and Wednesday.

“I believe this will be a very educational class,” said Ealey. “It’s really important that the students know how to build igloos in case all the dorms suddenly become unlivable, and they have to begin living outside.”

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